Flowing Stream

The flow of stream is controlled by three (3) inputs. The surface water, subsurface water and the groundwater. The first two (2) inputs are highly variable depending on the amount of rainfall while the groundwater on the other hand is constant.

These inputs are quite relative to my relationship with God. The surface water and the subsurface water represents my “FAITH” and the groundwater represents “GOD”. In life we encounter different highs and lows. It’s easy for us to rejoice with the Lord when good things happen, like an out of town vacation, getting a promotion, an answered prayer or even an extra point in your academics. These things gives that inclination to thank God for the good. But there are also moments when it’s so hard to lift up a praise especially at times when life really hits us hard. Like losing your job, financial instability or losing a love one. The overwhelming amount of pain of that loss consumes us. It eats us up inside, making us lose our self-confidence, our focus. Our emotions often redirects our attention to brokenness, making us question God. It’s a test of faith that most of the time we end up failing. But since “GOD” is my groundwater, the only steadfast in this ever changing world, a loyal friend who lives within me, I am constantly reminded that no matter how hard the rain pours, and no matter how high the storm surges I can always cling to the hope that God is my savior and the promise that He will deliver me will never return void.

Rhea means flowing stream. I am a flowing stream.

Asking to be Healed

It's been a week since I started feeling it. I brushed it all off like I normally do because every single day I get nervous and I see it as normal. And doesn't get in the way of the things I need to focus on. I am fine, I tell myself. But the other day, I felt like there's this big weight coming over me and then my heart started racing. There's this sudden jolt of sadness that took over me. I don't really know where it's coming from. Cause I was totally okay, at least I felt like I was until this happened. I was crying. I felt like my heart was torn into a million little pieces. It was overwhelming that I started messaging my friends and asked for a prayer, which I don't do normally.

And they all send in their concerns and prayers. They all did and I thought the breaking stopped for a while. I worked out for a good thirty minutes that day and I thought the breaking stopped for a while. I prayed and asked God for help, and I thought the breaking stopped for a while. I went to sleep and woke up the next day feeling the same. I spent time with God that morning. Laid to Him all that I feel. It felt good and I felt better for a good while. And now it's half past midnight and I hear my heart race as if I just ran half a mile. Lord, please heal me. I don't know what this is but please heal me. 

11th/Embracing Fate Strengthen My Faith

Pops, medyo madami dami nang okasyon ang di natin na celebrate ng magkasama. Ilang birthdays, pasko, bagong taon at mga yearly get together kasama yung mga taong malalapit satin na ba ang dumating at lumipas? Never in a million years kong naisip na mawawala ka ng ganon kaaga. Looking back, ang daming mga plano, daming mga lugar na gusto puntahan, daming mga bagay na gusto pag-ipunan at gawin ng mag kasama. Pero yun, sabi nga "God's plan is much better than what you have in mind". Nung una di ko maintindihan, hirap na hirap ako, ang dami tumatakbo sa isip ko, lagi kong tinatanong bakit, pero walang sagot. Nung una naisip ko ang hirap lumakad ng di ko hawak kamay mo. Ang hirap bitawan yung mga bagay na kinasanayan mo ng gawin, paano pa kaya kung ang bibitawan mo taong kasama mo na half of your life. Ikaw yun eh. You were that bad habit I really find hard to break. Pero hindi pala ganun yun, di ko pala dapat intindihin. Ang dapat ko lang pala gawin pagkatiwalaan yung proseso. Dapat ko lang palang pagkatiwalaan yung daan na binibigay ni Lord. It took me alot of tear stained pillows and sleepless nights. It almost took me forever to figure it all out. Sabi ko nga you were a bad habit I find hard to break and to let you go that instant was a hard pill to swallow. I had to let you go slowly. Unti-unti, until the day na gumaan na pakiramdam ko. Kumapit lang ako kay Lord. I trusted his process until I learned to be happy, genuinely happy. I mean nalulungkot pa rin ako whenever I think of you but I have come to accept the fact that I will be celebrating every important occasions with you up there and me down here. Katulad ngayon, it's our 11th year. Di ko pa rin maiwasan isipin what could've been if you were still here. Siguro di ko na maalis yon but anyways, I hope you have the grandest celebration up there kasi dito sa baba for sure simple lang. Di ka pa namin madalaw kasi sobrang gulo pa. I love you pops. Miss na miss na kita. Happy 11th wedding anniversary to us! Sabihin ko sana let's continue annoying each other hahaha pero paano? Kaya ito na lang. Cheers!!! 🍻 Enjoy ka diyan eat all the pizza 🍕🍕you can. Mahal kita.

9th and Apart

We used to dream of a life with less worries. A house where we would build our dreams together. A car that would take us anywhere when we feel like road tripping. A daughter whom you would spoil with all your love and affection and a little sister for Enzo to play with. We dream of having a home full of love and laughter. A home where we can be ourselves and not be afraid of sounding stupid or silly. Where support and encouragement is freely given even before you ask. A home where God is the foundation. But God, He has other plans.

Honestly, the day you were fighting for your life I prayed so hard, so hard that I know in my heart God heard me. I asked Him to spare you, to give us another chance. I know He heard me. He heard my cries and even the cracks that are starting form in my heart, but He has made up his mind. I was in pain, seeing you in a state of coma in that hospital bed. No trace of smile, just pure pain. I was so used to seeing you happy and jolly and so it

hurts so bad seeing you like that. I talked to you and asked you to fight, I'm not sure if you heard. I know you're in dire pain and asking you to win that battle is so selfish of me but I still I wanted you to win because I don't want to be left alone. Because I wouldn't know what to do without you. I was mad. No, I was furious. I don't understand why. How can God let that happen? How can He take you away from me even if He heard my pleas? I was angry at Him. It even came to the point that whenever I see bible verses I would scroll down and avoid it. I couldn't read it because it reminded me that God made me feel abandoned. I was lost. I don't know where to go. 

I talked to Him every night and to get answers to all my questions but to no avail I failed. They say that God has a purpose but my eyes couldn't see and my heart doesn't understand. I was too busy dealing with the pain. I was too busy grieving. I was consumed by my emotions and I thought avoiding Him would save me from more pain. But God in all his greatness stood by me even if I was fuming. Even if I felt He has forsaken me during the moments I was crying for help. He was there, letting me have my space, letting me cry, letting me be angry at Him but never left my side. I felt Him working his way in me. It was then I that I learned, I have a loyal God.  

Pops, you drew me even closer to God. It hurts that it has to be you that He chose to be his medium to call me. When I could've just answered him at once out of the many times he waited for me to respond. It made me think that if I could've just acknowledge all his invitations you might still be here, that I may still be able to hug and kiss you goodnight. I am still broken and I think I will forever be. But a part of me says that I still am the luckiest to have love and be loved by you.

Remember that night we talked about growing old together. We were watching a film  that was not as interesting as we thought it would be. Then we got bored and just had a good conversation about future plans and life and kids. I still dream about it. I still visualize myself talking to you and finding myself in awe about learning how deep of a person you truly are each and every time. I thought I know all about you but you were more.  I still imagine how it feels like falling asleep right next to you and how that goodnight kiss taste like. It's been so long and eleven years with you felt too short.

Pops, I will be fine. I still have Enzo and I have to be the strong person I need to be. I hope to see you in my dreams all the time but even that comes too few and far between. I hope that whenever you have the chance to remember all your memory of us, you come down to earth and hold my hand and hug me like you used to so I'd know it's you. I wish you remember this day because it's the day we knelt in front of the altar with all our family and friends witnessing the love we had for each other. I love you pops. Like I always say nobody can ever replace you. This could've have been our 9th year together but sadly, were celebrating apart. HAPPY 9TH ANNIVERSARY.  I love you with all that's left of me.

Light Years Away

Mister moon glimmers as it followed me home tonight

He stares at me as I sit by the window of our beat up car

I wonder if he heard the whispers I heave at the sky

As he look into my eyes and marvel why it’s sad

I wonder if he can see you from light years away

I wonder if he can tell that I love you just the same

That even if you live in a different world now I still remember your face

And that your name never left my tongue even up to this day

I used to imagine what melancholy feels

Is it like hiccups when your heart loses oxygen?

And you feel the need to press your nostrils, cover your mouth and then start counting to ten

Photo credits to: http://www.everythingun until you can’t breathe then you start counting to ten

Is it sleeping tired and waking up feeling more exhausted?

Or maybe it’s the sense of drowning in your own tears but you gave smiles instead

It’s heartbreaking to see the world forget about you day by day

And how I’m left feeling exactly the same the day you went away

My only dream was to grow old holding your hands

But dear life didn’t seem to understand

The holy book says you leave every memory you had in this life when you pass on

Now I’m afraid I might have lost you forever -- gone

That no matter how hard I try not to forget

When God moves his hands everything cannot be kept

Now tell me how do I capture a star that used to be mine?

How do I tell him I waited so long for a sign?

How do I make him remember we kept each other’s secrets?

And that I still have our picture hanging in my locket

Tell me how do we recover what used to be ours?

The memories, happy or sad that was stolen from us

I wish there is a parallel universe hiding from afar

An alternate world where we’ll never be apart

HAPPY 31ST

I remember that day was as heavy as my heart. The sky casted grey clouds and the rain started pouring. It felt as though my heart already knows what was coming but my head was in a blur and couldn’t understand a thing or it knows but just denies it.

I wasn’t prepared but who is? Never in my wildest dreams did I thought of losing the heart that I fought for. The heart that showed me worlds I never knew. The heart that gave me new beginnings. The heart that accompanied me to all my firsts. And most of all the heart that gave me Enzo. My heart is still in pieces and I have to accept the cutting truth that, that’s how it’s going to be now. That I have to live a life that’s half empty.

Just a few weeks back I felt my anxiety creeping in again. I’ve always won over it when you we were still around but that day, I was just too weak to fight it. I cried the whole night until it knocked me off and the whole morning the next day, inside the bathroom. It’s hard when you have a messed up mind like mine. It's a cruel dimension. It vividly repeats every single scene inside that hospital. Every single scene until the moment I lost you. At times I can just easily snap out of it but there are occasions when it’s impossible.

Pops, I miss you. The kind where it hurts everywhere. I miss you. The kind where I stare blankly into space trying to remember the sound of your voice. I miss you. The kind where I would keep my eyes shut and imagine us sitting on the couch binge watching over pizza and beer. It's funny how I miss even the arguments. Our love hate relationship. I miss watching you sleep and putting a kiss on your lips. I miss squeezing you tight. I miss your smell on our pillows and sheets. I miss the jungle of snores you unknowingly give at night. I miss everything about you and I don't care if I sound redundant because that's how badly I miss you. I think of you a lot and there’s not a single day you don’t come to mind. I still talk to you in my head and most of the time in thin air, believing you’re just right beside me watching me wash the dishes like you used to. 

Everything has change since you left. The house feels lonely and quiet without you. I’m sorry I stopped listening to your playlist because it makes me miss you even more than I already do. Pops, I know you know I’m trying to be strong and trying to hang on. I’m giving it my best shot but there’s just days like this when I feel helpless and tired of keeping it all together. I honestly feel like garbage today. I should be glad because I know you're reunited with Tatay and I'm sure of the endless conversations you two would share. I keep reminding myself that I should be happy and celebrate your life because this is a special day for you and Nanay. This is the day the world has welcomed such an amazing-funny-being. This is the day the world prepared and molded you to the person I have liked, loved and married. I know you’re having a good time up there with our Lord. I pray to God to bless and purify your soul. I hope and pray every night that He may grant my heart’s desire that in another life I get to meet, love and marry you again. That there'll be three of us again. That we'll never have to part early in life again. I love you pops I hope you still know how much. No one can ever replace you. My heart is your home until such time that we meet again.

HAPPY 31st BIRTHDAY POPS! I LOVE YOU NG WALANG KAPANTAY!

The Concert Ground

We were in a crowded place
All eyes were fixed to the stage
The air was humid and every heart was warm
As they all sing along with the playing band

You were sipping your beer while holding my hand
Trying to sing and hum along with them
You weren’t smiling but you eyes radiate a happy feeling
And nothing mattered because this new found bliss is everything

Underneath the moon and the twinkling stars,
Was one of the best nights we ever had
We might have a few pennies left in our pockets
But we sure went home with a full heart of good memories we’ll hang on our lockets

I Miss You

From up there I know you see the stars better than I do
And I hate that I would miss to catch that view with you

And the high I get when I see your eyes all aglow
That inexplicable feeling that only we know

I wish I could still listen to you dreaming
Or hear your voice that calmed the chaos in me
I wish I could still feel your hugs and kisses
Or the crevices on your face whenever you're smiling

I miss the blanket wars and how you always choose to make me win
And when it gets too cold, under the covers you'll just slip your left foot in
I miss breathing in the air you breathe out
And the funny noises you make when you snore so loud
I miss watching you sleep while I trace your nose and lips with my fingertips
And the feeling I get when I'm sleeping right next to your heartbeat

I miss our little trips down at a local store,walking as our nostrils get filled with the scent of petrichor
I miss the movie nights turned into planning and building dreams cause the film either fell short or we got a little too bored
I miss those simple things that made me feel good inside
Those little things that now never fails to make me cry

I know these scars will forever bleed
No matter how I try to conceal
They say that time heals all wounds but it isn't true
Just like infinities never ends but they do

I want you to know that I've already forgiven you love for not keeping your promise
For leaving me too soon to harbor bittersweet memories
But please forgive me too for keeping you a bit longer
I may seem unwilling but each day without you gets a little harder

Everyday I still wish to see you coiled up in my dream-catcher
Until the day I've collected all the strength I could gather
To unclipped your wings I've held on for far too long
To let you soar free, have your peace and finally let you go

Your 8th

Rei Paas-Rance's Slidely by Slidely Slideshow


Babe, I know you know that the passed 11 months has really been tough for Mama but I am blessed to have you because you are smart and wise beyond your years. You understand that I am hurting and still trying to cope with our loss. I remember the day before Christmas I woke up with such a heavy heart that I started crying. I didn't mean for you to see me like that and worry you but emotions can be immense at times and Mama was a little too helpless and just gave in. And then you started rubbing my back and hugged me so tight that I felt so loved by you. It was as if we were three again.

I'm sorry if at times I get mad at you but it's because I want you to understand what you did wrong and learn a lesson from it. I know not every one approves or understands the way I discipline you. Mama may be a little too tough on you sometimes but  that doesn't mean I don't love you. It's just that I want you to realize how hard life is in the real world and it wouldn't care if you're hurting or not. I want your heart to be tough yet still soft and capable to love and be loved. And if at times Mama doesn't give you what you want it's not because I don't want to  but because I want you to know the importance of patience. That you cannot get everything you want all at once, that it takes time and hard work for you to hold what you want in your hands.

Mama may have a lot of shortcomings but I want you to know that I'm trying so hard to be the best mom for you. A few years from now you may see Mama as a villain, for trying to contradict and control you but I pray that God may make your heart so sensible that you'll understand that I just want to fulfill the pact that Papa and I made the moment we had you and that's for you to grow up to be a fine young man. We want you to be strong and learn how to take responsibility for all of your actions. We only hope for you to grow with such a big heart that no hurtful words could ever tear you down.

I know you miss Papa as much as I do and that every time we do something together we always wish that he's still here with us. If only Mama could turn back the time you know that I would. But even though Papa's no longer with us know that wherever he is, he's watching over us and still looks after you just like before. You may no longer hear his big voice calling your name and the sound of his laughter like the days when you guys used to play or feel the warmth of his embrace and the touch of his lips on your cheeks as he kiss you goodnight but always remember that he loves you as much as when you can still see, hear and feel him.  Babe, our life here on earth is a borrowed time and you'll never know when your time is up so never forget to thank God for giving you another chance to live and another day to correct your mistakes. Papa and I want you to enjoy life. We always want to see that big smile of yours and want nothing but to see and feel that you are happy.

I want you to know that you are the greatest gift of God to us (Mama and Papa). Ever since the day we found out that we will have you, our hearts were filled with such overwhelming joy. We were very much excited to see you come out to this world so we want nothing but the best and what's good for you.

Put into your heart what Papa always tells you to do. To think before you act. To always listen before you speak. And as for me, always listen to your heart, do the things you love and never be afraid to fail because if you do I'm just right here to help you get up and try again. Learn how to be patient because not all things in this world come in handy. Waiting is a game and those who are patient and hopeful always end up to be victors. Happy happy 8th birthday babe! Mama and Papa loves you with all our hearts.

To the 8th and Infinity

Today, I should be celebrating and wearing a big smile

I wanted to be the first greet you with a kiss, a hug

and see your pearly whites

But it's been 264 long lonely days without you love

And all the memories you left with me is all I have

The sun still rise, the moon still shines

The coldness swept and the days gone by

Everyone moved on and life went on without you

And it hurts seeing how the world got busy forgetting about you

At night I find it hard to sleep

Thinking it was you I had but not allowed keep

In my head are the moments I begged God as I weep

Banging the doors of heaven like a creep

It kind of stings to say I love you

And not hear you say it back

You see, they keep telling me I should be fine

but it's still breaking me apart

I wish I know how to un-feel and not to feel

But you're already carved out in my soul and that's the deal

It's a struggle not to feel empty when your so hollow inside

When another life depends on you and you have to set what you feel aside

But in the middle of everything tears still fall and these stitches burns

Missing you comes in waves and today the tide turns

So, in between the happy pastel colors of summer

And the dark stormy weather of November

Where this once happy girl found and lost her forever

And where the questions just keep coming without an answer

In between those moments where happy was once was
Where life was never easy yet we felt otherwise
In between those moments is where I want to live
Where I can get lost inside your eyes again

I will keep waiting for you until all the lights go dim
Until the skies are dark and til the stars starts to gleam
I'll say my little prayer and have my eyes close
I hope to see you there cause it's you I miss the most.

Happy 8th Wedding Anniversary pops! Today, I miss you a little more than yesterday. I'll keep waiting for you to visit me in my dreams even if it has been too far and few. I want to have a chat with you like the old times. If I can get a kiss and a big warm hug it would be great but anything you can give is just fine. I love you pops.