I remember that day was as heavy as my heart. The sky casted grey clouds and the rain started pouring. It felt as though my heart already knows what was coming but my head was in a blur and couldn’t understand a thing or it knows but just denies it.
Just a few weeks back I felt my anxiety creeping in again. I’ve always won over it when you we were still around but that day, I was just too weak to fight it. I cried the whole night until it knocked me off and the whole morning the next day, inside the bathroom. It’s hard when you have a messed up mind like mine. It's a cruel dimension. It vividly repeats every single scene inside that hospital. Every single scene until the moment I lost you. At times I can just easily snap out of it but there are occasions when it’s impossible.
Pops, I miss you. The kind where it hurts everywhere. I miss you. The kind where I stare blankly into space trying to remember the sound of your voice. I miss you. The kind where I would keep my eyes shut and imagine us sitting on the couch binge watching over pizza and beer. It's funny how I miss even the arguments. Our love hate relationship. I miss watching you sleep and putting a kiss on your lips. I miss squeezing you tight. I miss your smell on our pillows and sheets. I miss the jungle of snores you unknowingly give at night. I miss everything about you and I don't care if I sound redundant because that's how badly I miss you. I think of you a lot and there’s not a single day you don’t come to mind. I still talk to you in my head and most of the time in thin air, believing you’re just right beside me watching me wash the dishes like you used to.
Everything has change since you left. The house feels lonely and quiet without you. I’m sorry I stopped listening to your playlist because it makes me miss you even more than I already do. Pops, I know you know I’m trying to be strong and trying to hang on. I’m giving it my best shot but there’s just days like this when I feel helpless and tired of keeping it all together. I honestly feel like garbage today. I should be glad because I know you're reunited with Tatay and I'm sure of the endless conversations you two would share. I keep reminding myself that I should be happy and celebrate your life because this is a special day for you and Nanay. This is the day the world has welcomed such an amazing-funny-being. This is the day the world prepared and molded you to the person I have liked, loved and married. I know you’re having a good time up there with our Lord. I pray to God to bless and purify your soul. I hope and pray every night that He may grant my heart’s desire that in another life I get to meet, love and marry you again. That there'll be three of us again. That we'll never have to part early in life again. I love you pops I hope you still know how much. No one can ever replace you. My heart is your home until such time that we meet again.
HAPPY 31st BIRTHDAY POPS! I LOVE YOU NG WALANG KAPANTAY!
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