9th and Apart

We used to dream of a life with less worries. A house where we would build our dreams together. A car that would take us anywhere when we feel like road tripping. A daughter whom you would spoil with all your love and affection and a little sister for Enzo to play with. We dream of having a home full of love and laughter. A home where we can be ourselves and not be afraid of sounding stupid or silly. Where support and encouragement is freely given even before you ask. A home where God is the foundation. But God, He has other plans.

Honestly, the day you were fighting for your life I prayed so hard, so hard that I know in my heart God heard me. I asked Him to spare you, to give us another chance. I know He heard me. He heard my cries and even the cracks that are starting form in my heart, but He has made up his mind. I was in pain, seeing you in a state of coma in that hospital bed. No trace of smile, just pure pain. I was so used to seeing you happy and jolly and so it

hurts so bad seeing you like that. I talked to you and asked you to fight, I'm not sure if you heard. I know you're in dire pain and asking you to win that battle is so selfish of me but I still I wanted you to win because I don't want to be left alone. Because I wouldn't know what to do without you. I was mad. No, I was furious. I don't understand why. How can God let that happen? How can He take you away from me even if He heard my pleas? I was angry at Him. It even came to the point that whenever I see bible verses I would scroll down and avoid it. I couldn't read it because it reminded me that God made me feel abandoned. I was lost. I don't know where to go. 

I talked to Him every night and to get answers to all my questions but to no avail I failed. They say that God has a purpose but my eyes couldn't see and my heart doesn't understand. I was too busy dealing with the pain. I was too busy grieving. I was consumed by my emotions and I thought avoiding Him would save me from more pain. But God in all his greatness stood by me even if I was fuming. Even if I felt He has forsaken me during the moments I was crying for help. He was there, letting me have my space, letting me cry, letting me be angry at Him but never left my side. I felt Him working his way in me. It was then I that I learned, I have a loyal God.  

Pops, you drew me even closer to God. It hurts that it has to be you that He chose to be his medium to call me. When I could've just answered him at once out of the many times he waited for me to respond. It made me think that if I could've just acknowledge all his invitations you might still be here, that I may still be able to hug and kiss you goodnight. I am still broken and I think I will forever be. But a part of me says that I still am the luckiest to have love and be loved by you.

Remember that night we talked about growing old together. We were watching a film  that was not as interesting as we thought it would be. Then we got bored and just had a good conversation about future plans and life and kids. I still dream about it. I still visualize myself talking to you and finding myself in awe about learning how deep of a person you truly are each and every time. I thought I know all about you but you were more.  I still imagine how it feels like falling asleep right next to you and how that goodnight kiss taste like. It's been so long and eleven years with you felt too short.

Pops, I will be fine. I still have Enzo and I have to be the strong person I need to be. I hope to see you in my dreams all the time but even that comes too few and far between. I hope that whenever you have the chance to remember all your memory of us, you come down to earth and hold my hand and hug me like you used to so I'd know it's you. I wish you remember this day because it's the day we knelt in front of the altar with all our family and friends witnessing the love we had for each other. I love you pops. Like I always say nobody can ever replace you. This could've have been our 9th year together but sadly, were celebrating apart. HAPPY 9TH ANNIVERSARY.  I love you with all that's left of me.

Light Years Away

Mister moon glimmers as it followed me home tonight

He stares at me as I sit by the window of our beat up car

I wonder if he heard the whispers I heave at the sky

As he look into my eyes and marvel why it’s sad

I wonder if he can see you from light years away

I wonder if he can tell that I love you just the same

That even if you live in a different world now I still remember your face

And that your name never left my tongue even up to this day

I used to imagine what melancholy feels

Is it like hiccups when your heart loses oxygen?

And you feel the need to press your nostrils, cover your mouth and then start counting to ten

Photo credits to: http://www.everythingun until you can’t breathe then you start counting to ten

Is it sleeping tired and waking up feeling more exhausted?

Or maybe it’s the sense of drowning in your own tears but you gave smiles instead

It’s heartbreaking to see the world forget about you day by day

And how I’m left feeling exactly the same the day you went away

My only dream was to grow old holding your hands

But dear life didn’t seem to understand

The holy book says you leave every memory you had in this life when you pass on

Now I’m afraid I might have lost you forever -- gone

That no matter how hard I try not to forget

When God moves his hands everything cannot be kept

Now tell me how do I capture a star that used to be mine?

How do I tell him I waited so long for a sign?

How do I make him remember we kept each other’s secrets?

And that I still have our picture hanging in my locket

Tell me how do we recover what used to be ours?

The memories, happy or sad that was stolen from us

I wish there is a parallel universe hiding from afar

An alternate world where we’ll never be apart

HAPPY 31ST

I remember that day was as heavy as my heart. The sky casted grey clouds and the rain started pouring. It felt as though my heart already knows what was coming but my head was in a blur and couldn’t understand a thing or it knows but just denies it.

I wasn’t prepared but who is? Never in my wildest dreams did I thought of losing the heart that I fought for. The heart that showed me worlds I never knew. The heart that gave me new beginnings. The heart that accompanied me to all my firsts. And most of all the heart that gave me Enzo. My heart is still in pieces and I have to accept the cutting truth that, that’s how it’s going to be now. That I have to live a life that’s half empty.

Just a few weeks back I felt my anxiety creeping in again. I’ve always won over it when you we were still around but that day, I was just too weak to fight it. I cried the whole night until it knocked me off and the whole morning the next day, inside the bathroom. It’s hard when you have a messed up mind like mine. It's a cruel dimension. It vividly repeats every single scene inside that hospital. Every single scene until the moment I lost you. At times I can just easily snap out of it but there are occasions when it’s impossible.

Pops, I miss you. The kind where it hurts everywhere. I miss you. The kind where I stare blankly into space trying to remember the sound of your voice. I miss you. The kind where I would keep my eyes shut and imagine us sitting on the couch binge watching over pizza and beer. It's funny how I miss even the arguments. Our love hate relationship. I miss watching you sleep and putting a kiss on your lips. I miss squeezing you tight. I miss your smell on our pillows and sheets. I miss the jungle of snores you unknowingly give at night. I miss everything about you and I don't care if I sound redundant because that's how badly I miss you. I think of you a lot and there’s not a single day you don’t come to mind. I still talk to you in my head and most of the time in thin air, believing you’re just right beside me watching me wash the dishes like you used to. 

Everything has change since you left. The house feels lonely and quiet without you. I’m sorry I stopped listening to your playlist because it makes me miss you even more than I already do. Pops, I know you know I’m trying to be strong and trying to hang on. I’m giving it my best shot but there’s just days like this when I feel helpless and tired of keeping it all together. I honestly feel like garbage today. I should be glad because I know you're reunited with Tatay and I'm sure of the endless conversations you two would share. I keep reminding myself that I should be happy and celebrate your life because this is a special day for you and Nanay. This is the day the world has welcomed such an amazing-funny-being. This is the day the world prepared and molded you to the person I have liked, loved and married. I know you’re having a good time up there with our Lord. I pray to God to bless and purify your soul. I hope and pray every night that He may grant my heart’s desire that in another life I get to meet, love and marry you again. That there'll be three of us again. That we'll never have to part early in life again. I love you pops I hope you still know how much. No one can ever replace you. My heart is your home until such time that we meet again.

HAPPY 31st BIRTHDAY POPS! I LOVE YOU NG WALANG KAPANTAY!

The Concert Ground

We were in a crowded place
All eyes were fixed to the stage
The air was humid and every heart was warm
As they all sing along with the playing band

You were sipping your beer while holding my hand
Trying to sing and hum along with them
You weren’t smiling but you eyes radiate a happy feeling
And nothing mattered because this new found bliss is everything

Underneath the moon and the twinkling stars,
Was one of the best nights we ever had
We might have a few pennies left in our pockets
But we sure went home with a full heart of good memories we’ll hang on our lockets

I Miss You

From up there I know you see the stars better than I do
And I hate that I would miss to catch that view with you

And the high I get when I see your eyes all aglow
That inexplicable feeling that only we know

I wish I could still listen to you dreaming
Or hear your voice that calmed the chaos in me
I wish I could still feel your hugs and kisses
Or the crevices on your face whenever you're smiling

I miss the blanket wars and how you always choose to make me win
And when it gets too cold, under the covers you'll just slip your left foot in
I miss breathing in the air you breathe out
And the funny noises you make when you snore so loud
I miss watching you sleep while I trace your nose and lips with my fingertips
And the feeling I get when I'm sleeping right next to your heartbeat

I miss our little trips down at a local store,walking as our nostrils get filled with the scent of petrichor
I miss the movie nights turned into planning and building dreams cause the film either fell short or we got a little too bored
I miss those simple things that made me feel good inside
Those little things that now never fails to make me cry

I know these scars will forever bleed
No matter how I try to conceal
They say that time heals all wounds but it isn't true
Just like infinities never ends but they do

I want you to know that I've already forgiven you love for not keeping your promise
For leaving me too soon to harbor bittersweet memories
But please forgive me too for keeping you a bit longer
I may seem unwilling but each day without you gets a little harder

Everyday I still wish to see you coiled up in my dream-catcher
Until the day I've collected all the strength I could gather
To unclipped your wings I've held on for far too long
To let you soar free, have your peace and finally let you go

To the 8th and Infinity

Today, I should be celebrating and wearing a big smile

I wanted to be the first greet you with a kiss, a hug

and see your pearly whites

But it's been 264 long lonely days without you love

And all the memories you left with me is all I have

The sun still rise, the moon still shines

The coldness swept and the days gone by

Everyone moved on and life went on without you

And it hurts seeing how the world got busy forgetting about you

At night I find it hard to sleep

Thinking it was you I had but not allowed keep

In my head are the moments I begged God as I weep

Banging the doors of heaven like a creep

It kind of stings to say I love you

And not hear you say it back

You see, they keep telling me I should be fine

but it's still breaking me apart

I wish I know how to un-feel and not to feel

But you're already carved out in my soul and that's the deal

It's a struggle not to feel empty when your so hollow inside

When another life depends on you and you have to set what you feel aside

But in the middle of everything tears still fall and these stitches burns

Missing you comes in waves and today the tide turns

So, in between the happy pastel colors of summer

And the dark stormy weather of November

Where this once happy girl found and lost her forever

And where the questions just keep coming without an answer

In between those moments where happy was once was
Where life was never easy yet we felt otherwise
In between those moments is where I want to live
Where I can get lost inside your eyes again

I will keep waiting for you until all the lights go dim
Until the skies are dark and til the stars starts to gleam
I'll say my little prayer and have my eyes close
I hope to see you there cause it's you I miss the most.

Happy 8th Wedding Anniversary pops! Today, I miss you a little more than yesterday. I'll keep waiting for you to visit me in my dreams even if it has been too far and few. I want to have a chat with you like the old times. If I can get a kiss and a big warm hug it would be great but anything you can give is just fine. I love you pops. 

All Souls Day

I wonder how this summer would taste like

Would it be like the Christmas of 2016?

-pungent

-bitter and

-painfully sour

I wonder If I would ever see sunsets as a promise of a new day

like I used to when I was still sharing the view with you

I wonder if summer would stay warm

or grow cold as the winter that enveloped your hands

that one afternoon in November.

Lonesome Firefly

Last night I saw that lonesome firefly

The one that wanders around our ceiling alone at night

Then I remembered  you and how your eyes glowed,

like a child seeing magic for the first time

And I remember that happy feeling,

those curves around your mouth, those happy lines

I wish we never run out of second chances

I wish we have as many,  as the sky have countless stars

I wish we had a clock that lets you go back

So we could have one more kiss and one more hug

A Letter to Heaven

Kahapon pops nag aya anak mo mag McDonalds, kaya pinagbigyan ko. Umorder ako ng gusto niya, fries at saka Mcfreeze. Habang kumakain nagkwento siya sakin, sabi niya napanaginipan ka daw niya, tayong tatlo magkakasama nagswi-swimming daw tayo. Parang nanghina ako, mangilidngilid luha ko actually muntik na talaga napigilan ko lang sarili ko. Nakita ko kasi sa mga mata ni Enzo na miss ka na niya, kahit dati lagi ka niyang inaaway, ngayon ko lang siya nakita na ganun. Kasi matapang siya daig pa niya ko, di niya pinapakitang malungkot siya kahit sa loob niya malungkot talaga siya. Tapos napatingin ako sa labas ng mall merong pamilya sa labas tatlo din sila pababa ng tricycle lalo ako nalungkot kasi dati tayo yun pag pinapasyal natin si bebe ngayon dalawa na lang kami.

 

Antahimik na ng bahay pops, wala ng nag re-request na tikman ko yung luto, wala ng nagpapatulong maghiwa ng sibuyas, kamatis, bawang. Wala ng nag mi-midnight snack, wala na ring gumagamit ng laptop. Wala ng naghihilik ng ubod ng lakas, wala ng nadadantay. Wala ng nang-iinis kapag naiiyak ako sa pinanunuood ko. Wala na kong supply ng choknaks at guyabano juice sa gabi, wala na nakakaisip bumili para sakin kasi kaw lang may alam na paborito ko yun. Nakakabingi yung katahimikan sa gabi pops, di ko na naririnig yung tawa mo habang nanunood ka sa youtube ng episode ng eatbulaga o kaya fliptop. 

Grabe ka mag pa miss pops sagad hanggang kaluluwa. Yung luha ko parang di na mauubos. Araw-araw gabi gabi. Hinahanap ko pa din yung amoy mo. Kahit katabi ko si bebe parang wala pa din akong katabi, pinagkakasya ko na lng sarili ko sa damit mong ginawa kong punda ng unan mo para kahit papano makatulog ako. Ang weird ng pakiramdam ko, para nga kong tanga kasi kahit habang naglalaba ko kanina umiiyak ako, dati kasi magkatulong tayo linggo linggo sa paglalaba, kailangan madaming downy para mabango yung mga damit, kailangan kamayin mga puti at panlakad para di maluma agad lahat yun ako na lang gumagawa pops. Lahat ginagawa natin magkasama kaya ang sakit sakit na ngayun wala na ko kasabay gawin lahat yun. Pati sa pagkain minsan nakakalimot na ko,  wala na kasing nangungulit na sabayan ko kumain. 

Pops, sobrang sakit ng pagkawala mo, sa sobrang sakit parang wala ng saysay yung buhay ko pero alam ko kailangan ako ng anak natin kaya kahit papano kumikilos ako, alam ko mawawala din tong sakit pero sa ngayon pagpasensyahan mo muna ko tulad ng dati, kelangan ko lang damahin to at ipagluksa ka hayaan mo lang muna ko gawin to. Mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita pops. Magkikita din tayo antayin mo ako. Aayusin ko lang buhay namin ni bebe, sisiguraduhin ko lang na okay na si Enzo, na kayang kaya na niya kahit wala na tayo. Hintayin mo ko pops hahanapin kita. 💔