9th and Apart

We used to dream of a life with less worries. A house where we would build our dreams together. A car that would take us anywhere when we feel like road tripping. A daughter whom you would spoil with all your love and affection and a little sister for Enzo to play with. We dream of having a home full of love and laughter. A home where we can be ourselves and not be afraid of sounding stupid or silly. Where support and encouragement is freely given even before you ask. A home where God is the foundation. But God, He has other plans.

Honestly, the day you were fighting for your life I prayed so hard, so hard that I know in my heart God heard me. I asked Him to spare you, to give us another chance. I know He heard me. He heard my cries and even the cracks that are starting form in my heart, but He has made up his mind. I was in pain, seeing you in a state of coma in that hospital bed. No trace of smile, just pure pain. I was so used to seeing you happy and jolly and so it

hurts so bad seeing you like that. I talked to you and asked you to fight, I'm not sure if you heard. I know you're in dire pain and asking you to win that battle is so selfish of me but I still I wanted you to win because I don't want to be left alone. Because I wouldn't know what to do without you. I was mad. No, I was furious. I don't understand why. How can God let that happen? How can He take you away from me even if He heard my pleas? I was angry at Him. It even came to the point that whenever I see bible verses I would scroll down and avoid it. I couldn't read it because it reminded me that God made me feel abandoned. I was lost. I don't know where to go. 

I talked to Him every night and to get answers to all my questions but to no avail I failed. They say that God has a purpose but my eyes couldn't see and my heart doesn't understand. I was too busy dealing with the pain. I was too busy grieving. I was consumed by my emotions and I thought avoiding Him would save me from more pain. But God in all his greatness stood by me even if I was fuming. Even if I felt He has forsaken me during the moments I was crying for help. He was there, letting me have my space, letting me cry, letting me be angry at Him but never left my side. I felt Him working his way in me. It was then I that I learned, I have a loyal God.  

Pops, you drew me even closer to God. It hurts that it has to be you that He chose to be his medium to call me. When I could've just answered him at once out of the many times he waited for me to respond. It made me think that if I could've just acknowledge all his invitations you might still be here, that I may still be able to hug and kiss you goodnight. I am still broken and I think I will forever be. But a part of me says that I still am the luckiest to have love and be loved by you.

Remember that night we talked about growing old together. We were watching a film  that was not as interesting as we thought it would be. Then we got bored and just had a good conversation about future plans and life and kids. I still dream about it. I still visualize myself talking to you and finding myself in awe about learning how deep of a person you truly are each and every time. I thought I know all about you but you were more.  I still imagine how it feels like falling asleep right next to you and how that goodnight kiss taste like. It's been so long and eleven years with you felt too short.

Pops, I will be fine. I still have Enzo and I have to be the strong person I need to be. I hope to see you in my dreams all the time but even that comes too few and far between. I hope that whenever you have the chance to remember all your memory of us, you come down to earth and hold my hand and hug me like you used to so I'd know it's you. I wish you remember this day because it's the day we knelt in front of the altar with all our family and friends witnessing the love we had for each other. I love you pops. Like I always say nobody can ever replace you. This could've have been our 9th year together but sadly, were celebrating apart. HAPPY 9TH ANNIVERSARY.  I love you with all that's left of me.