Stranger

I don't actually know how to begin this blog post. I'm at loss for words, it seems like there's no exact description of how I am feeling. I don't even know how it all started to drift away, all I know now is this is something I need to let go of.

We were tight as far as I can remember (well, at least for me). I have spend more time with you than my family when we were younger. Then years passed by, you gain new friends and so did I. I learned how to mingle with other people, I go out and drink and it was fun. They were cool yet very sincere of the friendship they offered me, and I know you saw that with your own eyes because even you felt it and even wanted to be part of it. I let you in but there is just something that doesn't fit right. I just don't know what exactly.

Then inevitable things happened. 

My priorities have changed, I became busy with my own family. You tried to get me into your new ventures which I have denied because my son needs me more and I thought out of all people you would understand but I was wrong. And since then you treated me differently, at first I thought I may just be too paranoid. You even had me feeling guilty which I never should've felt in the first place. But you were good at making people feel like they are the problem. Then I thought you changed or maybe you did not, maybe this was really you after all and I was just too blind to see that all this time you were wearing a mask to conceal your darkness, to make it appear like you were someone I could lean onto.

I remember one time when I sang at a gig, a common friend and I were headed to the restroom a stranger got my attention by grabbing my hand just to say that they liked how I performed and I was so shy but I managed to smile and thank them. Then another one came up to me in front of the restroom and said my performance was like that of "The Late Isabel" I was so shock because I love Wawi Navarosa and to be given that compliment was very flattering. Then a friend told you all about it and the funny thing is you took credit for it. You were so exuberant to tell everyone how they complimented you when their words of praise was really about me and this common friend and I looked at each other and we where like "that's not what happened". I brushed it off at that time thinking you just misunderstood it but then looking back, in my recollection at rehearsals everyone were giving me compliments on how my voice fits the song and then days after you were asking me if we could change songs but I disagreed and you got upset because you were used to people giving in to your pleas.

I just realized looking back, I never really was someone you'd care for. I never felt significant to you (except when you needed someone to do you favors and someone who would do as you please) as you are to me, but strangely without questions, without hesitations, I accepted it. I was happy with you, at least I thought I was. And now I feel like I've made a mistake for ever allowing you to occupy a special place in my heart. You made me feel like I should've listened to her the very day she told me you were something else.

I was nothing but kind and helpful to you. My mom can attest to that because even she helped you out when you had nothing, and by that I mean literally nothing!. I couldn't be more disappointed of your words and actions. How can you put yourself above anyone who has cared for you? How can you simply throw away the years we've gone through and treat me like a total stranger. Those words should've have been left unsaid, there was no need for you to offend us. It was crystal clear that you don't want to do it because you wouldn't have made such lame excuses and lied to me and my mom if you really wanted to. There was also no need for the words of advice, how highly do you think of yourself to even have the nerve to give that piece of crap? Do you really think we are mooching you off? and if that was really the case, what you owe us or should I say how much you owe us is more than enough to pay your services.

I'm letting all these go since those years no longer matter to you anyway. I am moving on.

Just saying

The WORLD is FAIR, it's the people in it who isn't. The world is pretty much like KARMA, it only gives what you deserve...

Capacities: Launch

And I thought I could get through the pre-order process that easy... Sadly, I am not available on these dates. I guess I just have to wait until the album has been fully launched and available in the market... :( So, to all of you who have the luxury of time please do grab a copy. There are a bunch of freebies included in the pre-oder package. 

Kismet

Last night I came across a status update on face book that destiny is for "losers" and that it is a stupid excuse to wait instead of doing things to make it happen. I just don't think that's how you define it.  It's really not whether you hold up or stand up to make it happen because even if you push yourself the hardest it it's not meant to be then it's not. And believing in something magical or romantic doesn't make you a loser it only means that you accept the fact that there's a much bigger force than yourself which is called "LOVE". So for me, either way you do it, you leave to chance or take a risk things will fall perfectly into place if it's really yours...

Sign Seeker

I have gone through emotional battle as everyone else has. Pain took my entirety that I lose myself most of the time. I was hurting so bad that I've seen myself die and heard myself cry every single night. I have never felt so stupid for ever allowing someone to simply drag and drop me anytime he wants. He was the world to me but I, unfortunately to him was just like a switch he could turn off and on. He shuts me down like I don't exist but, it felt more like I never really did exist.

Photo credits to:  Vardha Khalil

I got so lost in the maze of emotions until it came to the point that I can no longer recognize the difference between real and reel. I closed my door to numb my skin. I have written all the pain and trapped it in the pages of my journal. I confined all my feelings in the cold walls of my room until they were all painted with my own words. I didn't know that, that confinement was only temporary release 'cause not too long I was drowning again. One night I was about to hit the sack when my mind suddenly slipped, thoughts of him flashed inside my head one after the other and before I could even stop it the numbness has faded and the pain has consumed my sanity again. "I am a loser.", I blurted out in pain and the tears streamed down my face like rain. I have struggled so hard to win over this battle but I lost it, and this pain just seem to drain me until I run dry.

Why did I ever want you? Why did I ever let someone break the walls I have built and guarded for years? My heart was screaming. Why did I ever let myself drown in your sweet yet empty words? And how could I let you stain the most wonderful dream I have designed all my life? The questions go on and on but the answers never came. I was left left hanging by a thread again.

I asked and waited for the signs and God gave me all of it and yet I chose to stay hoping against hope that this was just a phase that would soon pass. But I was wrong, so wrong to think of it that way and I was stupid and fragile to succumbed to all his words. How could you talk and don't mean it? How could you say the words that would melt my heart to let you in again and don't mean it? How could you not see how much those words are tearing every part of me? How could you be so blind? I kept asking yet there were no answers.

In all the confusion and pain I lean on to God and allowed him to heal me. I didn't ask anymore and just let it all go as He wanted me to. I let God in me and I was healed, there's no more pain but only hope. I knew I was healed because I left that page of my life behind and look up ahead of me, where there's more opportunity to grow and be happy. 

On the brink...

" I always thought you were God sent.., I don't believe that anymore..."

These were the lines that came into my head after a BIG fight with someone very dear to me. It started as a conversation over dinner that went to an argument and drastically ended up in a war. I don't want to go into details because believe me it's so petty that you don't even want to know, but no matter how piddling the reason it started. still there were words that have made me hurt so much that I went to bed early and stained my pillows the whole night. 

I was badly hurt that I would never ever forget the line that specific person said. I just can't believe someone could just say that magic word all at once without thinking about the consequences in the aftermath. I could've let that person go, I have so many reasons to take that chance but I am not only thinking about myself, there's someone who is going to suffer more than us. And I don't want to see that happening. 

I would let this pass like I always do. I'm wishing for things to get better. And I'm hoping against hope that I still can hold on believing that you were God sent.

How to get over?

I know everyone of us has gone through heartaches and heartbreaks and I believe that only a few of us can handle breakups easily. So here are five (5) tips on how to get over a past relationship:

SAY GOODBYE BUT NEVER SAY HELLO AGAIN. Stop being fickle minded. I know we girls, are born like this but this is the right time to put an end to it. If you are going through the same shit and he doesn't know how to compromise then he is not worth the tears. If the pain is killing every part of you, believe me! there's no better cure than saying your last words and leave. And please don't even look back! Say what you mean and mean what you say. We all know it'll be hard but nobody ever said it's going to be easy. It will be a pain staking 365 days of your life without him but the hell with it, what ended is your sucking relationship not your freaking life.

FORGET BUT NEVER REGRET. Remember that you both made a mistake. You both contributed to that dilemma so instead of pointing fingers and being bitter about it just leave everything behind. Don't regret that you ever invested feelings to that person because once before he was all you ever wanted. You may both have gone through difficult times but never forget that he made you happy before. Don't let your heart be filled with anger but fill it with good memories.

PICK UP THE PIECES BUT NEVER PUT THEM BACK. Your relationship has ended. It has taken its toll, so please pick yourself up and dust all the dirt he gave. Don't even bother going or running after him again. Stop sending him messages. Don't even try putting everything back together because you are only prolonging your agony. Instead, bring up that old confidence you've kept inside that burning box for like a thousand years. And stop saying that you can not live without him because it's not true. You were able to live a life before you even met him so, why not live that life again?

FEEL THE PAIN BUT NEVER KEEP IT. Cry all you want, spend your nights out, you can even get drunk and get wasted, say things you've been wanting to say for the longest time. You can even eat all the comfort food you can or curse a countless time. Do everything that will ease up the pain you feel even if it takes a you a lifetime but in the aftermath make sure that you put yourself together and leave everything in the past. Forgive him and forgive yourself. Don't hold grudges. Life is much easier to live when you don't feel any hatred against anyone.

MOVE ON. You have passed through a bend in the road. So, now it's time for you to get a life. A NEW LIFE! The world has taught you a lesson, now do yourself a favor, learn that lesson well and never do the same mistake again. Search your soul and not love, let it come to you. God has destined you to be with the person you deserve in the right place and time.

So, there it goes. I hope it may enlighten your broken hearts and give you hope for another day. Life is beautiful.

Mama's Boy

Not all mama's boy understands how to treat a woman and grows up to be a real man, most of them acts real dirty and a b!tch @ss dude. I don't believe that if a guy respects and love his mom dearly, he would respect and love you the same way...Why? Just for the simple reason that you are a totally different person. You are not his mom so why would he do the same? There may be a few of them left who acts that way but believe me when you get married it would turn out differently.