Sign Seeker

I have gone through emotional battle as everyone else has. Pain took my entirety that I lose myself most of the time. I was hurting so bad that I've seen myself die and heard myself cry every single night. I have never felt so stupid for ever allowing someone to simply drag and drop me anytime he wants. He was the world to me but I, unfortunately to him was just like a switch he could turn off and on. He shuts me down like I don't exist but, it felt more like I never really did exist.

Photo credits to:  Vardha Khalil

I got so lost in the maze of emotions until it came to the point that I can no longer recognize the difference between real and reel. I closed my door to numb my skin. I have written all the pain and trapped it in the pages of my journal. I confined all my feelings in the cold walls of my room until they were all painted with my own words. I didn't know that, that confinement was only temporary release 'cause not too long I was drowning again. One night I was about to hit the sack when my mind suddenly slipped, thoughts of him flashed inside my head one after the other and before I could even stop it the numbness has faded and the pain has consumed my sanity again. "I am a loser.", I blurted out in pain and the tears streamed down my face like rain. I have struggled so hard to win over this battle but I lost it, and this pain just seem to drain me until I run dry.

Why did I ever want you? Why did I ever let someone break the walls I have built and guarded for years? My heart was screaming. Why did I ever let myself drown in your sweet yet empty words? And how could I let you stain the most wonderful dream I have designed all my life? The questions go on and on but the answers never came. I was left left hanging by a thread again.

I asked and waited for the signs and God gave me all of it and yet I chose to stay hoping against hope that this was just a phase that would soon pass. But I was wrong, so wrong to think of it that way and I was stupid and fragile to succumbed to all his words. How could you talk and don't mean it? How could you say the words that would melt my heart to let you in again and don't mean it? How could you not see how much those words are tearing every part of me? How could you be so blind? I kept asking yet there were no answers.

In all the confusion and pain I lean on to God and allowed him to heal me. I didn't ask anymore and just let it all go as He wanted me to. I let God in me and I was healed, there's no more pain but only hope. I knew I was healed because I left that page of my life behind and look up ahead of me, where there's more opportunity to grow and be happy.