Yuletide Blues...

Sometimes I wonder how I can manage to get through the day without hearing from you. At times it feels likes I have been waiting forever when in fact it has only been months since you went away. There are days when I hear myself speak out your name out of nowhere and it's funny but it must be because I miss you so bad that even my subconscious is giving a snappy come back.

I no longer cry myself to sleep like the first time you left. My pillows are stain-free, at least that's one thing to be happy about. But really, it's this time of the year that I usually get in to this emotional battle. I know that Christmas, New Year and my birthday are supposed to be festive and blissful but they turn out to be such a sappy moment for me when you're not around. It's like I'm celebrating the yuletide season alone though I have everybody here including Enzo.

All of them says I'll get used to it, but I don't want to get used to it. I don't want not to feel how much I miss you. I don't want not to feel how much I want to see your face. I don't want not to feel how much I long to touch and kiss and hug you. I don't want not to die every single time I want to be near you. I don't want those feelings to disappear, for if it did it would only mean I have stopped loving and caring for you.

I know this whole thing of you being away from me and our son isn't going to be permanent. I know that God in his kindness would grant us the gift of togetherness soon, that neither of us need to be away to provide everything that we need. I just hope that we both stay inspired and strong and healthy and faithful to one another as God work things out for us. 

I know that you know how much I love you Beb and I wouldn't tire of telling you everyday for as long as I live. I love you as much as I love Enzo. The two of you are the most valuable gift I have ever received. I am complete and I feel complete. There's nothing more to ask for the once empty spaces have already been filled in by both of you. You have given my life a whole new context. It almost feels like I am the words and you are the meaning without you I am plain senseless.