I have stumbled down quite a few on the same ground for years. I even marked the exact spot so I’d be able to avoid the ditch the next time. I even considered taking a detour but didn’t really push through it because it scares the hell out of me. So, cowardly I run off the mill on the same direction. In my mind I knew that something isn’t right. But who would ever win the battle between, intellect and compassion? In my situation, of course the heart wins. I was like being magnetized to pass on the same street repetitively. Although I feel like I have this big stone stuck in my chest that needs to be taken out, there’s still something that keeps pulling me back. I don’t know what it is, or maybe I do it’s just that I am afraid to taste the bitter truth.
I bruised myself a countless times that it felt like pain is already part of my skin. I got too comfortable with it to the extent that I no longer recognize the difference between hurt and numbness. For me, the two almost feels exactly the same. I was okay with. I was a masochist. I was full of hatred but I didn’t care. I don’t give a damn to what they say. I have been burned so much; that to me their words won’t make any difference. It won’t even sting a bit. I was cynical about almost everything. I don’t trust anyone not even myself. I hated the world as much as it hates me.
There were quite a lot of chances to get myself out of this burning box, but none of the triggers they pulled made me do so. I was a fool to stay and let that situation kill the love I had left for myself. I was crazy in thinking the world was just deceiving me, that it would never devote itself to make me happy. It was painful to see what I've become and what’s more painful is that I was the only one seeing it. I am in agony yet I still am burning with pride. I was so good at pretending that no one ever noticed how lonely I was, no one has seen the real face I’m wearing.
Then one morning came after like a decade of being stubbornly stupid, as weird as it seems I decided to finally take a detour. I was craving so much for something I have not tasted for like a hundred years…FREEDOM. My whole being has fallen apart and I felt so exhausted that giving up is no longer an option but a directive I need to follow. I needed change and I needed it right away. My heart was like screaming at me and at the back of my head I can hear her say: “You feverish little clot of resentment! Why didn’t you act long before I died?!!! And now you want me swarming like I don’t have wires stitched in my skin!!!” I smiled a real smile. That was the first after a very, very long time and without a doubt I know this time I’m okay much better than before.
Fearlessly, I embraced changed (now that is a lie… I still am damn scared but not as much as before). I know I may still be weak but I won’t give in this time. I won’t tire myself waiting in line only to be neglected in the end. I won’t even waste a jiffy to hear such a lame alibi. If they’re true to their word and if I’m really loved then they’ll make time. I won’t move a single muscle to run after someone who doesn’t have much more balls than I got.
I bruised myself a countless times that it felt like pain is already part of my skin. I got too comfortable with it to the extent that I no longer recognize the difference between hurt and numbness. For me, the two almost feels exactly the same. I was okay with. I was a masochist. I was full of hatred but I didn’t care. I don’t give a damn to what they say. I have been burned so much; that to me their words won’t make any difference. It won’t even sting a bit. I was cynical about almost everything. I don’t trust anyone not even myself. I hated the world as much as it hates me.
There were quite a lot of chances to get myself out of this burning box, but none of the triggers they pulled made me do so. I was a fool to stay and let that situation kill the love I had left for myself. I was crazy in thinking the world was just deceiving me, that it would never devote itself to make me happy. It was painful to see what I've become and what’s more painful is that I was the only one seeing it. I am in agony yet I still am burning with pride. I was so good at pretending that no one ever noticed how lonely I was, no one has seen the real face I’m wearing.
Then one morning came after like a decade of being stubbornly stupid, as weird as it seems I decided to finally take a detour. I was craving so much for something I have not tasted for like a hundred years…FREEDOM. My whole being has fallen apart and I felt so exhausted that giving up is no longer an option but a directive I need to follow. I needed change and I needed it right away. My heart was like screaming at me and at the back of my head I can hear her say: “You feverish little clot of resentment! Why didn’t you act long before I died?!!! And now you want me swarming like I don’t have wires stitched in my skin!!!” I smiled a real smile. That was the first after a very, very long time and without a doubt I know this time I’m okay much better than before.
Fearlessly, I embraced changed (now that is a lie… I still am damn scared but not as much as before). I know I may still be weak but I won’t give in this time. I won’t tire myself waiting in line only to be neglected in the end. I won’t even waste a jiffy to hear such a lame alibi. If they’re true to their word and if I’m really loved then they’ll make time. I won’t move a single muscle to run after someone who doesn’t have much more balls than I got.
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