little wings

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There are things in life that are beyond our control, things that could really hurt us. Things that we don’t like and things that we never ask to happen but are happening. Things that we might hate but could really change us big time. Just a year ago, September of 2009, my cousin RJ (short for Reynald Jeremy), as we call him was diagnosed of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. It is a form of leukemia or cancer of the white blood cells characterized by excess lymphoblasts or immature white blood cells. This is caused due to the continuous multiplication of lymphoblasts crowding our normal cells in the bone marrow and spreading it to other organs. It is common in kids aging between 2-5 years old. And the overall cure rate for children is about 80% as it was discussed to my uncle Wilbert and her wife, Reychell by the doctors.
Before that even happen RJ was no longer walking. He sprained his ankle while playing with Tito Jim (our grandfather, he is the cousin of my mom’s step-father Papa Vicente), as he preferred to be called. Weeks after that incident he was complaining about so many things, that he is feeling dizzy and that his knees and bones are hurting. His parents never took him seriously because knowing RJ, he likes joking around. We never saw it coming; we never read the signs in fact we didn’t even know that those were the signs, because RJ is a very bubbly kid. He is so adorable that anyone who sees him wants to kiss and cuddle him. And at such a young age he knows how to make us smile, he knows how to care but still he is so stubborn at times. When he wants something he wants to have it right away and he would do anything to have it. He would cry non-stop until you finally give in and give him what he wants. He is also very fond of himself, he likes seeing his face in pictures, he likes to pose all the time that my digital camera and my camera phone are full of his photos. 

Months had passed but still there were no improvements, we were not seeing any signs of healing and RJ seemed to be quite different. He is so pale. He no longer plays, he stopped joking around and most of the time he is just lying in bed and watching cartoons. But my mom was so worried and I can’t blame her because as a mother that she is it is only right that she was alarmed by this unexplainable occurrences. She has been telling them to have RJ examined but it seems that they are still not taking anything seriously even though RJ never stops complaining about what he feels in his body. I don’t know what hinders them to do it but I guess money might be one of the reasons.
My mom didn’t stop; she kept on insisting to have the kid checked up and even gave them money for them not to have anymore reasons not to do it. So, they brought RJ to the nearest medical center and the doctor who checked him up probably saw some inconsistency in the test results because they were endorsed to another doctor who specializes on blood illnesses. They were mandated to go to Philippine Children’s Medical Center (PCMC) to do further examination on RJ’s case. The doctors in PCMC told them that the initial test does show some irregularity in his white blood cells and is illustrating some signs of leukemia, and there is still no confirmation until the laboratory examinations are done. We and the doctors were hoping that it’s not that complex.
It was an immense fright for us because up to the day we found out the medical results we were praying and hoping it's just a simple case of anemia. We were stunned. I was stunned that I couldn’t cry. I don’t know why but it seems like tears couldn’t find its way out of my eyes or maybe I was trying so hard to deny the fact that it's actually happening. There were a lot of things going inside of my head, things that I don't understand.
I was not questioning God, who am I to do that? I am nothing compared to Him. I know he has his own reason why  he let this happen, but in someway I can't help but wonder why it happened to an innocent kid, when he still has a great future that awaits him, when he still can go out  and play with other kids, when he still can be a good son, when he still can choose what he wants to be when he grows up, when he still can dance in the rain, when he can still be stubborn as he is. Why him  of all people? Why not those who have sinned? Why not those who have murdered hundreds of people? Why not those heartless individuals?I was seeking for answers that would somehow satisfy me but to my dismay those answers never came. I know I could still go on and on but no exact words could ever describe what I  truly feel.
He was confined in the hospital for a long time. He had to be cured that’s what all we know. And I couldn’t imagine how his young body would take the harshness of chemotherapy and other medical procedures that he needs to go through. In those days of his stay in the hospital I only see him through the pictures that his father would take. There was never a time that I visited him. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t take it, it crushes my heart. It feels so devastating to see him in that situation. Just seeing him in pictures brings tears to my eyes, what more if I was there to witness all of it.

He spent Christmas and New Year’s Eve in the hospital and finally he was allowed to go home on New Year’s Day because his vital signs were stable. My heart jumped when I heard all about it. I was filled with so much hope and my heart was bursting with gladness. In a few weeks time, we were seeing some improvements. He was still thin but he is now jolly like before. He has loads of stories to tell, lots of jokes to crack and I can not contain the happiness that I was feeling right that very moment. More and more progress is happening as months passed until another terrifying incident happened. His grandmother came rushing to the house saying that something happened to RJ after she gave him the medicine that my mom bought. My mom was speculating because she didn’t give RJ any high dosage drug, but those were just vitamins. Then later on we found out that it was because of the medicated drug that she gave to RJ, we don’t know if he was overdosed or what. I can never forget how RJ looked like that day. He was drooling like a mentally challenged kid, his hands were clenched, he was chilling and his body seemed to be frozen. He is no longer talking; it seemed as if he has gone out of his mind. I run beside him and tried to talk to him but he is not responding. I was scared to death at the sight of him; I burst into tears, I was crying like hell. It felt as though anytime God will take him away from us. But it was still such a relief that, that day my parents decided not to go to work because if  it was the other way around, we wouldn’t know what to do. My dad rushed him to the nearest hospital and there he was given first aid. My mom then phoned my uncle to tell them what happened and asked them to go straight to the hospital.
          We were all relieved when finally RJ was far from danger. My mom said at first RJ seemed to have lost his memory. He was hysterical, he kept calling his Papa when his father was just right beside him, and he even bit his father’s hand. Afterwards, he calmed down and he seems to be back to normal. They kept asking him if he remembers anything and finally he was able to recognize them.

They went back to PCMC to have RJ checked up and for us to find out what really happened. The doctors said it was a post side effect of the medicated drug that was given to him. Everything went back to normal after making sure that RJ is okay. He was still undergoing chemotherapy. His body is starting to go back to normal. He was already gaining some weight and was starting to walk normal again. We were all so happy. No one could ever deny the joy that overflows in our hearts. We were seeing signs that soon RJ will be completely healed.
As time pass his recuperation was continuously progressing. He was looking more and more okay. He is no longer pale in fact his lips are so red. He is getting better day by day. He became much more hilarious. He was again very talkative, he keeps asking a lot of things and he kept bragging about how healthy and strong he is and that he is eating very well, and hearing him say those things undeniably brings so much hope, delight and gratitude in our hearts. I was thinking then that God still has great plans for this kid and I was wishing that seeing him grow and play with other kids at school was a part of it.


The day he was rushed to the hospital, I talked to God and told him that I would do anything just for him to give RJ another chance to live. I promised Him that I would finish reading the Holy Bible. This maybe just a simple task for some but it was a great dilemma for me. Anyone who knew me might actually say that I can do it, no doubt! Since I do a lot of reading but we are talking about the Holy Bible. It is not just an ordinary fiction material that would capture my interest. Let’s be honest not all have tried reading the Holy Bible. But then again I am going to do it because I want RJ to be healed and somehow guilt stricken because I have spent loads of time reading different books even spent my hard earned money just to collect them and then this very valuable book that has been sitting in my bookshelf for years I dare not touch. So, since then my day would start with a hungry heart and would sleep full of God’s words.
In my heart I know that this pact that I have made with the Lord would help RJ get cured, but somehow as I read and get more engrossed with every lines that my eyes has touched it occurred to me that it was me who was being healed much more than RJ. Without this young boy’s knowledge he created a bridge that would lead me closer to Him again.
A few months after, RJ is showing again some signs of his illness. He complains about his bones hurting and that he can’t breathe. One time when my husband and I were busy painting the house in preparation of our son’s christening I heard him crying in pain. I was trying so hard to hold back the tears but every grunt of pain that he’s blurting out felt like a thousand knives was stabbing my heart. So I asked Niño, my husband to turn on the radio and put the volume on high so that I won’t hear him. These continuously happen and even in the wee hours of the morning I can hear him cry and call his mom. Although they live literally and figuratively near us I never did try to see him because I know I wouldn’t be able to stand it and I don’t want Reychell to see me cry, it would disheartened her. I know how it feels like to see and hear your child cry in pain but then as much as you want to take their pain away; as much as you wish that it happened to you instead you just can’t do anything about it because it is God’s will.
Then the day came that they have to get RJ back to the hospital. If I’m not mistaken that was a Monday after my son’s christening. I was able to see him before they left and I almost got into my knees at the sight of him. His stomach was so big and hard. He has a lot of bruises, in his eyes, in his body and hands and legs. I thought then that everything will be alright again once proper medication was given to him. But then two weeks after, my uncle received a call early morning of May 25, 2010 that RJ had passed away. I cried so hard because I remember just the night before that my uncle was telling us that RJ seemed like saying his farewell because he was seeing things that weren't visible. RJ was telling them that there were two white birds flying inside the hospital room they were in and he keeps on looking out of the window and then telling his mom that he wants to go and that he is already tired. Those were such big words for a three year old kid to say. Reychell even asked his son where he's going and RJ didn’t respond but instead just kept silent. I don’t know what Reychell was thinking upon hearing those words but what I know is that she is so frightened. It could be that she was denying the thought that RJ could possibly go any moment but I don’t see anything wrong with that, any mother would do the same. I am a mother myself and I would feel exactly the same. Just the thinking about it makes me cry much harder.

I know things will be different now that RJ is gone. The house would be less piercing, less happy and probably now emptier. I would no longer hear him call me “Ate Ya”, or my mom and dad, I would no longer hear him sing his favorite songs, his voice would definitely be missed. I would no longer see him dance like he's nuts. It would now be much harder to look at his pictures and videos, much harder than those days he was still struggling for his life. His stubbornness might have irritated us but now that we will no longer experience it we’re all wishing that we could have embraced it whole heartily.
His passing created a hole in our being and somehow I know it would never be covered or be replaced by anyone; it would permanently stay in our hearts forever because it is the only thing that remains that would describe how deep our love is for him. I know this pain shall pass but it would really take time for us to get used to not seeing him around. It burns us to see him go but it would be much more excruciating to see him suffer. We may no longer see his adorable face but he will never be forgotten. At times our minds may tend to forget but our hearts never will for he is carved there for as long as we live.

What RJ has left us would surely be treasured because he taught us to listen to our Creator and ask Him for his grace and guidance just the way He wants. RJ has taught us to be more open to Him and make Him a part of our lives and not to seek Him only in times of need. At such a young age he left us but no one could have ever thought that this innocent angel would be the greatest teacher.
It is terribly sad that our Provider has taken away the life he has given to our little angel. I can hear RJ's laughter resounding at the back of my head but  then we’ve had our run, and I guess it’s time to let them hear it. I wish that he wouldn’t be lonely up there as  much as we are right here. But I know that God wouldn’t let that happen because He has given RJ the greatest gift he could ever ask for, his cute little wings and the promise of eternal life.